Words

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I read his 200th blog post and all I got was this angst...

Somewhere, there's a universe in which everything you've ever wanted has come true. Somewhere, there's a universe where you've been deprived of everything you've ever wanted.

I've been dwelling in the former for too long and now it feels like the latter. I don't know how to reconcile these two existences when they are both possible and neither are achievable. I wish there was a way to travel to and from universes at will, trying to find the right now, one day happening upon it and living there instead of the original universe. But who's to say what's what? Maybe this IS the latter, but maybe this is the former.

What do I really want? I keep hassling Tori about what she wants, but she says she doesn't know either. What do I want? The former? Everyone wants the former. But what am I willing to risk and sacrifice for it? Health? Well-being? Friends? It'd be easier to make a decision if everything were so definite and set in stone.

But it isn't. Everything is hidden in shadows and you can only direct a small beam of light at any one thing. Sometimes the light reflects, but sometimes it doesn't and you learn nothing. Sometimes you learn what you were aiming for, sometimes the light bends or bounces and you discover things you hadn't meant to. Walking in this shadow land, I feel lost and alone and send out beams of light to find where I am and hopefully find another.

Everything always feels neutral, like I'm in stasis. Nothing's ever a step forward, nor a step back. It's kinda ridiculous to talk about an unknown distance in such a way, isn't it? If you don't know where you're going, then how do you know what's forward and what's back? Nevertheless, it feels as though I've stopped taking any sort of step at all.

The only way to figure this would out is to shine lights, but the bizarre thing is that when you shine light, you might be lit up yourself. Do I want to risk being seen and live life in the darkness, or do I want to take a chance and possible illuminate myself? I wish this world didn't have the risks it does for even the simplest of things such as who you like.

I made my own bed. I'll lie in it.

Yeah, no. Gloom and doom, etc.

Let's press F5 and start this all over. Maybe I'll get a better starting throw. Pick a different dump stat, you know. Reroll this character and see where it takes me.

If only it were that simple. Let's throw a cinderblock through the houseboat that is my life. Maybe we'll stay afloat.

"Why do they all go, why do they all go, why do they all go, why do they all go?!"

So close, then so far. Ah well, can't have everything.

But it would be nice.

Summer Ends, Plans Begin

Summer's dead, but here's a list of cities I want to visit in my lifetime.

1. New York City, New York, USA
2. Boston, Massachusetts, USA
3. Washington DC, District of Columbia, USA
4. Chicago, Illinois, USA
5. Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA
6. Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota, USA
7. St. Louis, Missouri, USA
8. New Orleans, Louisiana, USA
9. Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
10. Portland, Oregon, USA
11. Providence, Rhode Island, USA
12. Seattle, Washington, USA
13. Spokane, Washington, USA
14. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
15. Phoenix, Arizona, USA
16. San Francisco, California, USA
17. San Diego, California, USA
18. Los Angeles, California, USA
19. Denver, Colorado, USA
20. Honolulu, Hawaii, USA
21. Lexington, Kentucky, USA
22. Corvallis, Oregon, USA
23. Redwood City, California, USA
24. Tacoma, Washington, USA
25. Hartford, Connecticut, USA
26. Corpus Christi, Texas, USA
27. Phileadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA
28. Baltimore, Maryland, USA
29. Vancouver, BC, Canada
30. Victoria, BC, Canada
31. Montreal, Quebec, Canada
32. Toronto, Ontario, Canada
33. Reykjavík, Iceland
34. Stockholm, Uppland, Sweden
35. Berlin, Berlin, Germany
36. Munich, Bavaria, Germany
37. Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Bavaria, Germany
38. Göttingen, Lower Saxony, Germany
39. Hanover, Lower Saxony, Germany
40. Lubeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
41. Paris, Île-de-France, France
42. Kraków, Lesser Poland, Poland
43. Warsaw, Masovian, Poland
44. Brzezinka, Lesser Poland, Poland
45. Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, The Netherlands
46. Basel, Basel-Stadt, Switzerland
47. Geneva, Geneva, Switzerland
48. Lucerne, Lucerne, Switzerland
49. Moscow, Russia
50. Saint Petersburg, Russia
51. Naples, Campania, Italy
52. Alexandria, Egypt
53. Beijing, China
54. Nanjing, Jiangsu, China
55. Tokyo, Kantō, Japan
56. Hiroshima, Chūgoku, Japan
57. Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
58. Perth, Western Australia, Australia
59. Wellington, Wellington Region, New Zealand
60. Auckland, Auckland Region, New Zealand
61. Christchurch, Canterbury, New Zealand

Here are the stats
USA - 28
Germany - 6
Canada - 4
Poland - 3
Switzerland - 3
New Zealand - 3
Australia - 2
Japan - 2
China - 2
Russia - 2
Iceland - 1
Sweden - 1
France - 1
Netherlands - 1
Italy - 1
Egypt - 1

I hit every continent except for South America. There's nothing there I want to visit. Bye for now!

Poo-tee-weet?

Once again, I we have found ourselves at the end of a summer wasted.

That's not to say I didn't do anything this summer. Oh no, I've accomplished a lot of stuff. New lappy, broke three pairs of headphones, got my wisdom teeth out, finished Slaughterhouse Five, started Nan09 research...all sorts of stuff accomplished.

I think next summer, I want to have a book list to read so I have something to do. It'd be fun, crossing things off of a list...

I've been thinking about making a bucket list, but I don't really know what I'd put on it. There's so much I want to do but isn't really essential to living. I think that if I actually make the list, I'd never actually do anything on it. I'm so afraid right now that I'll graduate high school, go to college, and then just stick around and become a Wisconsinite. That's like death. I have to escape!

There's so much I've (subconsciously, unconsciously, and consciously) planned for my life. MSOE, New Zealand, Vancouver, Seattle, San Francisco, adopting, travel, awesomeness, emigration, immigration, hopes for love, a resignation of loneliness...

I'm slightly concerned about how I'll make friends after college. I mean, I've definitely not out of high school yet and have no experience in the workplace, but I can't really imagine myself making friends in all of the seemingly usual places people make friends. I'm not really sure about public transportation, I can't foresee a future in which I drink alcohol or hang out in bars, and I don't really see myself as the kind of person who would just reach out the strangers on the sidewalk. But I guess we'll get there when we get there.

Let's go to another stop on this crazy blog train of random! I think I might be some sort of cultural vagrant. There's so many places I want to go, to work, to live, to see...maybe I could be some sort of traveling engineer (robot) who sees the world and is generally awesome?

Ah, well.

As of late, my motto seems to have become "all things must pass." I first found myself uttering it while in the chair getting bits of bone yanked from my head in the dentist's office. All things must pass. Then, while laying on the couch in a lidocaine daze. All things must pass. A horrible, horrible bout of boredom. All things must pass. Angst. All things must pass.

It's true. Every event has another event that comes before it and another event that comes after it. So in the natural progression of events, all things must pass.

I say I hate people, but I don't hate people. Well, kinda. People, the concept of people, piss me off. All you random passersby. Get off my lawn, damn kids!

But no, seriously. People in crowds, smelly, fat, loud, old, unmoving, pushy people piss me off. But the awesome people, the quiet shy ones, the ones who seem so regular, so typical that hide secrets beyond wild imagination...those are the people for me. I like people who have a deep-seated inherent awesomeness, a sort of fantasy about them. Indie, I guess, is a generic term for it.

Not really mainstream, but not mainstream alternative. Just sort of existing. Like my group of friends. We just exist. We've tried, but there's nothing to really classify us by. We're just people who have adventures together. Although, we haven't had any lately...

I'd wanted to get a job by this school year, but I don't know if I can manage one with the drama club and all the extracurriculars I'm involved with. Money's not really an issue, but who couldn't use more money? I could at least save for college more and stuff... But with my crazy, band-addled, mathlete-crippled, forensics-raped, dramaclub-attacked schedule, there's no room for anything. It's kinda nice having a wide open schedule, but when all of your friends are all going to work and getting jobs and not being around, it feels like you're missing your train. Like you're trying to hold on some vestige of childhood or something. To not have a job...

I want a job and all the implications that comes with it. Being tired, extra money, taxes, less time, more people, stupid stories...I want it all. But I don't have the time for a job. I wish I did. Not having a job makes me feel like I'm spoiled or something.

This school year should be okay. I got all the classes that I wanted, sorta. First-semester music theory died, but I think I can work something out with Mr. J about that. He should be cool about it. He's always cool about everything.

This year, I'm the only bassoon in band. A weird feeling, but it's welcome. I've waited for it a long time, but now that I have it, I rather miss the other bassoon. It was nice knowing that there was someone who could theoretically catch you should you fall. But not anymore...it's all on me.

I really want to blog more. It's a great stress reliever. There's stuff I'd like to say, but some of that stuff would just be stupid to say on the internet in public, so I'll keep it to myself even though some of that stuff desperately needs to be out of my and elsewhere, where I can't pick at it and peel off the scabs.

I threw away the little black book. It was in pretty bad condition. My pocket ripped it apart. But I didn't really write in it that much anymore and it was full of rather sensitive material, so one day while out with my friends at the park, I went over to a trash can, muttered a quiet goodbye, and tossed it away. It's gone now, I assume. It could certainly come back to haunt me, but I seriously doubt it.

I like this blog post. It feels like one of those long, rambling, aimless conversations one has with friends that don't really have a purpose, don't have a destination, and just happen, spawned as small talk, that blossom and grow into something large and beautiful. It's one of those conversations, except it's with myself.

I'm in love with the night. There's something lovely about the night sky, the night air, after the sun sets and the world quiets down. Everything is sleeping and the world is quiet, save the wind rustling the leaves in the trees, the crickets quietly chirping in the distance, and frogs whistling. The stars stare down at the dark landscape with their cold light. Clouds on the horizon burn red, purple, or pink as the sun tries to light the sky once more. The world's settling down for a good nap and you've broken world-wide curfew. All the silence, all for you. It's so lovely. You can sometimes get the same effect during a heavy snowfall on an icy suburb road, too. I've experienced them walking home from TJ. They're great.

Well, I have to go, but I enjoyed talking with you, blog. It's like we're two old friends who have been doing some catching up. I'll see you later.

Won't It Be Odd To Be Happy Like We Always Thought We're Supposed To Feel But Never Seem To Be?

I am somewhere in the mindset of utter chaos, serenity, melancholy, pensiveness, and exhaustion.

What the fuck? Just plain WTF. Right now, I'm in a thicket of lust or love and I'm trying to work out which is which. It's a bit reminiscent of the caterpillar on the sphere who thinks it's a plane. How can he see that it's a sphere and not a plane? If he knew that on a plane, the angles of a triangle add up to 180 degrees, then he could draw a triangle, work out the angles, and figure it out from there.

But my case is a little more obscure. I am the caterpillar who doesn't know what the angles of a triangle on a plane add up to. I've never seen or heard of a plane. What's the difference between a plane and a sphere? I've always been on a sphere. How could I tell if it was different from a plane?

I can't. So I research to find properties of planes and spheres to help determine what I am standing on.

Some people claim that lust is sexual and physical only. They say that love is a combination of physical and mental interest. They say that if you listen and genuinely care about what they're saying, it's likely to be love.

Enter eccentricity number one. Despite my introversion, my misanthropy, and my cynicism, I appear to have bred a deep, inner caring for all other people, no matter who they are. This enables me to listen to people for hours on end. Not just nodding along, not really paying attention, but sitting, listening avidly, offering attention and advice. No clue why. I like to think it'll help me later on in life. Maybe. At any rate, this isn't really useful for determining love vs. lust, as I already care about everyone I meet.

So I'm rather stuck, at this moment. I've determined somewhat of a game plan to help glean much-needed knowledge.

It's odd. I can sense a mental attraction, just like I can easily sense a physical attraction, so I'm rather stuck. I also saw that it's impossible to determine what you're in once you're in it.

Back to the caterpillar. Without a straightedge and knowledge of triangles on a plane, how am I supposed to determine whether I am on a plane or a sphere? Without the right mathematical concepts, what will it matter that I am on a sphere or a plane at all? Without confirmation of knowledge, I can't then apply past knowledge to future situations. This seems to be a problem without an answer.

The problem is that my game plan only covers the literal next step. When I make that step, I'll be, (as Tori has taken to saying [Whoo! Shameless plug! Now I get one in return!]) back on square one. Or maybe a little farther than square one. Maybe Square Sqrt(2). But whatever. Not very far ahead. It took a good two months to determine my next step from my last one, but I am running out of time as high school draws to a close in two years. That's only six more steps, but I'm not sure that my solution is at least six steps away. (Is this becoming a P=NP problem?)

My problems are a great number. I think it's a good first step that I can recognize them, but I don't know if I have the power to change them. They include: overanalyzing social situations, treating everything as something that can be logiced through, and ing too much. There's a panoply of others, too, some of which may be relevant, some not. But either way, I don't think there's much I can do unless I conquer some of these problems first.

"Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same. When temptation calls, we just look away."

Tori once asked me what I thought of xkcd's thought that the only winning move in love is not to play. I don't know. It seems logical. You miss stuff, but you can't be hurt. I remember when I was younger, I vowed to never play the game of love.

But here I am, having slipped into it somehow. I think the problem is that temptation is so, well, tempting. I am afraid of changing who I am for fear that I become something I dislike or, even worse, I change beyond repair and lose the essence of who I am. But I sure as hell don't want to stay like this, reduced to nocturnal excursions of words and thoughts. I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? But not everything, not everyone, has a happy ending...

Sometimes I want to pack up my laptop, maybe a book or two, and then leave one night, late at night. But that wouldn't be fair to anyone. I'd be giving up, running away from my problems, and leaving people worrying.

I suppose I use a blog because I don't like going to other people with my secrets and problems. Of course, it's always in the back of my mind that other people will read this, so I censor my thoughts slightly to keep some illusion of secrecy.

Aron said I'm easy to talk to, that most of the time, all of it just spills out. Other people have said effectively the same things. I wonder why. What is it about me, calculating, cynical me, that calls people to share their thoughts and feelings? Aron said that it was that I legitimately cared, but I don't know if that's the answer. I care, definitely, but surely there's something more than that? I know there are tons of people who care, but I don't trust most of them enough to give them a single one of my secrets.

Tori says that love and lust are separated by a single question: would you take a bullet for said person?

I don't know if I would or not. But I don't really like the question, because it seems like too much of an oversimplification.

I grow weary of blogging. Have a post.